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" I write my own tweets. "

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" I don't walk into a dinner party and say, 'You're an idiot; give me my coat.' "

" I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid. "

" I busted my bird for 60 years in the business, but my grandkids only know me as Mr. Potato Head. "

" I mean, in my - and I'm not trying to do spilled milk, but in those days it was a little - I think it was much tougher, because you got an image, and you were in a saloon. And it was tough to come out of a saloon and to get in films, and to maintain an image, you know. "

" In our day we went from - we went into saloons. We couldn't cross over like you can today, get a television series and all of a sudden you're a major movie star, you know. "

" Smartphones. Who cares? Smartphones. I only have dummy phones. "

" Ninety percent of the people who come to see me are my fans. "

" Most people think the character I do onstage is the way I am offstage, but I'm just a regular guy who spends time with his family and who turns on the television and watches a lot of sports. "

" I was in World War II; I cried when they took me in the Navy. That's the last time I cried. "

" I want to be a dog, but I'm a pussycat. "

" You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude. "

" When you stand alone and sell yourself, you can't please everyone. But when you're different, you can last. "

" I can get an audience screaming in Las Vegas and say, 'Barbara, that was a great show,' and she'll say, 'Would you please hurry up? We have dinner reservations at 9:30.' "

" I enjoy mixed audiences, not one particular group. Short, tall, scientists, Jews, gentiles, whatever, as long as they breathe and like to laugh. "

" I always say, when you're onstage you can't please everybody. I'm sure there are people who may not take to what I do, but that's okay. Thank God the majority are in my corner. "

" The young comedians always ask me, 'What's the secret for staying around?' I tell them, 'There is no secret - just stay around. Longevity is the most important thing.' "

" I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book. "

" Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one. "

" I was 28 when my father died, and I was an only child. "

" I used to work over a bar. That was - there was no stage. I stood over a tiny bar. Louis Prima, rest his soul, he worked there. I was the guy that filled in when he was off the stage. "

" I never went out looking for glory. "

" After over 50 years of headlining, I've been received very beautifully. But I always say, when you're onstage, you can't please everybody. I'm sure there are people who may not take to what I do, but that's OK. "

" My wife came into my life, and my mother still wanted to be the boss. "

" Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, 'How many more years do I have on this earth?' But I can't really conceive of dying. "

" If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny. "

" The inaugural of Ronald Reagan, with Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. And that was the greatest thing. Ronald Reagan and George Bush. That was - I still remember like it was yesterday. "

" No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you. "

" The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now. "

" The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island. "

" Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend! "