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" No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you. "

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" The average person pushes an elevator button 6 or 7 minutes before realizing it's not working. I did a study on this, you know. "

" Most people think the character I do onstage is the way I am offstage, but I'm just a regular guy who spends time with his family and who turns on the television and watches a lot of sports. "

" My whole act is off the top of my head. "

" An 'insult comic' is the title I was given. What I do is exaggeration. I make fun of people, at life, of myself and my surroundings. "

" I was nice to the people in the Philippines for the two and a half years I was there, because I knew eventually I'd have to kiss up to them so my grandchildren could have toys. "

" Half the battle is that people have to like you before you say one joke, one bit of humor. "

" I don't walk into a dinner party and say, 'You're an idiot; give me my coat.' "

" I was in World War II; I cried when they took me in the Navy. That's the last time I cried. "

" My wife came into my life, and my mother still wanted to be the boss. "

" I shouldn't make fun of the blacks: President Obama is a personal friend of mine. He was over to the house yesterday, but the mop broke. "

" My mother was a big influence. She kept pushing me because I was very shy and inhibited. And schoolwork was very difficult for me because I couldn't concentrate. I was failing almost every subject. To this day, I'm not too good at reading a book. But I was the president of my high school comedy group, and they treated me like a king. "

" If something strikes me as funny, I'll put it in my performance. "

" When I walk down the street in New York, I swear to God, the building constructor, the guy pounding cement and what not, will yell, 'Hey, you hockey puck!' "

" I don't care if the average guy on the street really knows what I'm like, as long as he knows I'm not really a mean, vicious guy. My friends and family know what I'm really like. That's what's important. "

Friends And Family

" Diana Krall I met in, I think it was Canada. She's a lovely lady. Her husband, Elvis Costello, is a great star. "

" I couldn't sell air conditioners on a 98-degree day. When I demonstrated them in a showroom, I pushed the wrong button and blew the circuit. "

" Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed. "

" The girls, like, in we'll say Hooters, have less clothing than the girls I worked with in those days. We thought it was wild when they just wore little bells and so forth. But today, in restaurants, some of the waitresses almost work in the nude, you know, to get business. "

" I've never had a written script. "

" I don't do impressions. "

" I don't like to compare myself with anybody. "

" Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend! "

" They always use the word 'insult' with me, but I don't hurt anybody. I wouldn't be sitting here if I did. I make fun of everybody and exaggerate all our insecurities. "

" I have to have energy because I have a lot of expenses. A couple of cars, couple of dogs and a big estate. "

" I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies. "

" An insult is mean or unkind. Milton Berle called me the Sultan of Insult, and I was called the King of Insult. But the guy that gave me the best title - and I use it to this day - was Johnny Carson. He called me Mr. Warmth. "

" I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one. "

" I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym. "

" I never went out looking for glory. "

" Sinatra had a lot of mood swings, but he was wonderful to my wife Barbara and to me. He made no bones about who he liked and who he loved, and he had this great charisma. When he walked into a room, it stopped. I've only seen that happen with Ronald Reagan. "