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" It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity. "

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" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "

Lewis Black

Great

You

Only

" Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. "

" If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. "

" Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. "

" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "

Lewis Black

Funny

Creepy

" I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet. "

" What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group. "

" You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. "

Lewis Black

I Am

Got

" Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. "

" I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people. "

" Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. "

Lewis Black

Back

Big

" Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis. "

" I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. "

" If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' "

" I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. "

Lewis Black

Head

Love

" I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough. "

" This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. "

" You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. "

" What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.' "

Lewis Black

Family

Know

" Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. "

" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "

" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "

Lewis Black

Art

Many

" My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. "

" Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. "

" When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is. "

" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "

" I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. "

Lewis Black

Awake

Might

" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "

" The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. "

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "