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" If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' "

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" Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app! "

" Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share. "

" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. "

" Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. "

" When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is. "

" Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. "

" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "

" I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. "

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "

" Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. "

" I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. "

" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

" The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over. "

" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "

" When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.' "

" If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. "

" Everybody's family has different values. "

" I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. "

" I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic. "

" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "

" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "

" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "

" What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group. "

" I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say. "

" I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet. "

" The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. "

" Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!' "

" Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. "

" You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps. "