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" I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet. "

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" I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. "

" The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? "

" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "

" One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich. "

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "

" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "

" Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible. "

" A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!' "

" You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo. "

" I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. "

" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "

" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "

" Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. "

" It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity. "

" My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. "

" One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. "

" I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape. "

" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "

" It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.' "

" Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. "

" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "

" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "

" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "

" You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. "

" My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road. "

" I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast. "

" I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic. "

" Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. "

" You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. "