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" Lana Turner was adorable and funny. Jimmy Stewart was such a nice person. I quickly realized that if you're not a nice person, you're not going to last in this business. I mean, once your box office starts to drop off, like Veronica Lake, they'll get rid of you fast. "

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" I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's about yourself, or whether it's about something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it. "

Denis Leary

Funny

Think

Mean

" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" I definitely started to perform a little bit in middle school, but not the typical musical/play route. I think that I am funny, but it was more of a social thing, where that was my part in my circle of friends. "

" Chris Hemsworth is like Christopher Reeve in that he can do two things: he can wear a big red cape without a shred of self-consciousness. But he's also funny as hell, and he's so sweet. So with all the fish-out-of-water stuff, he's so funny. So he does almost two jobs in a way. "

" I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "

" Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. "

" Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. "

" The superfluous, a very necessary thing. "

" Maybe people don't see me as believable playing a person of today. I guess I'm just more realistic in a corset and funny hairstyles. "

" I'm good at coming up with wacky characters and funny dialogue. "

" Life is hard. After all, it kills you. "

" Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. "

" It's funny how you never think about the women you've had. It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget. "

" My eyes are different sizes, my nose is too broad at the bridge and squishes up when I laugh, and my lips are sorta funny when I smile. "

" Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. "

" The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness. "

" It's funny, because I have periods where I just kind of go dark. I don't tweet, I don't talk, I don't interview, and then I have times where I do. "

Lance Armstrong

Dark

Talk

" If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. "

" When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. "

Albert Einstein

Sit

You

" My mother was a nurse, and in her era, most diseases weren't understood; people put mustard plasters on knees and rubbed camphor on your chest if you had a cough and did funny things to you if you had tuberculosis - all these things that really made very little difference once proper treatments were brought in. "

" I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent. "

" All men are equal before fish. "

" I can resist everything except temptation. "

" I used to write stories a lot because you had to fill your hours some other way than watching television. So my imagination was vivid, and I used to write a lot of stories. I wrote a novel, which I still have, which is so awful. "

" Because death and illness are the most horrible things in life, of course that's where the most absurdly funny things are going to happen. "

" I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. "

" When you're doing a medieval show like 'Pillars,' it starts off a bit like a school play. You're all in funny costumes; you've had your coffee, and you say, 'Good morning'. Then you go on set and, if you've got good actors and directors, it takes on a life of its own. "

" Funny you mention my dinner parties when I have just suggested that inviting close friends over to share a meal with candlelight and wine at your table could be a form of religious experience for some people. To me it's a form of sacrament. "

" The men I idolized built their bodies and became somebody - like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger - and I thought, 'That can be me.' So I started working out. The funny thing is I didn't realize back then that I was having a defining moment. "

" I never liked you, and I always will. "