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All Quotes by author - Jerry Seinfeld

" A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. "

" A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake. "

" A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness. "

" A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. "

" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "

" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

" Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy. "

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. "

" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "

" I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward. "

" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "

" I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time. "

" If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. "

" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "

" If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling. "

" I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense. "

" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

" I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn't love them. "

" I like definitive things. "

" I like money, but it's never been about the money. "

" I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. "

" I love being a dad. I just love it. "

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