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" Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. "

Laurence J. Peter

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" Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings. "

Sparky Anderson

" Be obscure clearly. "

" Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny. "

" The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness. "

" I don't know, maybe Australian humour isn't supposed to be funny. It's as dry as the Sahara, and I think people miss that. "

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "

" Slump, and the world slumps with you. Push, and you push alone. "

Laurence J. Peter

" A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "

" 'Bridesmaids,' I think, opened up a door to allow women to show a bunch of different women in different ways of being funny. It was kind of like an arrival moment. "

" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "

" When I was young, I'd watch guys on 'The Tonight Show', Buddy Hackett, guys like that, where all they'd be is funny. Later, I remember, on 'Late Night with Letterman', I remember he'd have Jay Leno and Richard Lewis as first guests and the entire point was to entertain and be funny, and I think talk shows have kind of lost that. "

" I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. "

" You meet folks who are funny and really smart and persistent and loving that are confronting this thing we call poverty, which is just a shorthand for this way of life that holds you underwater. And you just wonder what our country would be if we allowed these people to flourish and reach their full potential. "

Matthew Desmond

" We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder. "

" It's better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week. "

Laurence J. Peter

" It's funny how seeing a love story never gets boring, because it's the dream, isn't it? It's the dream to have a true connection with another human being. "

" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

" I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny. "

" Movies don't look hard, but figuring it out, getting the shape of it, getting everybody's character right and having it be funny, make sense and be romantic, it's creating a puzzle. Yes, having been a writer for so long, I have an awareness of when things are going awry, but it doesn't mean I know how to fix them. "

" Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. "

" It's really funny because the same people who loved me as Stringer Bell were the same people that were watching 'Daddy's Little Girls' literally in tears. "

" I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person. "

" I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem? "

Arnold Schwarzenegger

" If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable. "

" You cannot dictate what people find funny, what people find attractive, or what people find scary. There is not a norm. "

Guillermo del Toro

" Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. "

" I don't care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the bride, or vice versa. Marriage is hard. "

" Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? "

Robert Benchley