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" Mistreatment of al Qaeda members and their friends and hangers-on is something I number among my moral concerns. But it's number 1,000,000,001. "

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" The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it. "

" Zero-sum thinking is an obsession of mine, but mostly in economics. "

" Globalization is simply opening the free marketplace to encompass the entire world. "

" Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. "

" Raining on parades requires no skill or effort on the part of a politician. "

" Everybody with a gun has a checkpoint in Lebanon. And in Lebanon, you'd be crazy not to have a gun. Though, I assure you, all the crazy people have guns, too. "

" The people who despise America are the editors of the 'New Statesman.' Their green-card applications must have been turned down. "

" Governments have monopolies on certain things, like eminent domain and deadly force. "

" A U.S. dollar is an IOU from the Federal Reserve Bank. It's a promissory note that doesn't actually promise anything. It's not backed by gold or silver. "

" The U.S. tax code was written by A students. Every April 15, we have to pay somebody who got an A in accounting to keep ourselves from being sent to jail. "

" I usually agree with Rush Limbaugh; therefore I usually don't listen to him. "

" Politics won't allow for the truth. "

" The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person. "

" In its worse forms, conservatism is a matter of 'I hate strangers and anything that's different.' "

" When I board an airplane these days, all the middle-aged men are dressed like me - when I was an 8-year-old. They're in shorts and T-shirts. And it's not just on airplanes. It's in business offices, teachers' lounges, and churches. "

" Maybe climate change is a threat, and maybe climate change has been tarted up by climatologists trolling for research grant cash. It doesn't matter. "

" The great apologist has to have lived large and wild. If he's going to kiss the world's boo-boos and make up, he'd better plant some bruises first. A master apologizer has to be a Lord Byron, a Rick in Casablanca, a Lee Atwater, anyway. "

" Gay marriage acceptance is happening in the blink of an eye. "

" The great majority of Baghdad is a slum - a lot of it's new, but it's still slum. It's usually this concrete-block, one-room design with a door and a window, arranged one-up, one-down, often with a shop with nothing in it on the first floor, and then a one-room apartment above it. There's street after street after street of that stuff. "

" The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop. "

" People think the free market is a philosophy, they think that it is a creed. It is none of those things. Free market is a bathroom scale, it is a measuring tape, it's simply a measurement. "

" America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased. "

" The foundation of collectivism is simple: There should be no important economic differences among people. No one should be too rich. "

" We did not become libertarians because we are altruists. "

" There is only one thing that gives me hope as a Republican, and that is the Democrats. It's going to be hard to do a worse job running American than the Republicans have, but if anybody can do it, it's the Democrats. "

" I know quite a few fellow members of the news analysis and commentary business, and I have it from the highest-placed sources, on the record, that each and every one of our children is a genius. "

" Northwest Ohio is flat. There isn't much up. The land is so flat that a child from Toledo is under the impression that the direction hills go is down. Sledding is done down from street level into creek beds and road cuts. "

" Catchphrases flourish in contemporary American English. "

" I like to argue with the radio. "

" The whole melodrama of the Middle East would be improved if amnesia were as common here as it is in melodramatic plots. "