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" I was nice to the people in the Philippines for the two and a half years I was there, because I knew eventually I'd have to kiss up to them so my grandchildren could have toys. "

Don Rickles

Kiss

Nice

People

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" I used to work over a bar. That was - there was no stage. I stood over a tiny bar. Louis Prima, rest his soul, he worked there. I was the guy that filled in when he was off the stage. "

" Being in the Navy, when I came home, it changed your whole life. You're 18, you go away for two and a half years, you come home - boy, you're a different person. "

" Diana Krall I met in, I think it was Canada. She's a lovely lady. Her husband, Elvis Costello, is a great star. "

" Frank Sinatra. Hey, Frank, I saw you in 'The Pride and Passion,' and I want to tell you the cannon was wonderful! "

" I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is. "

" I still have drive, but everything is relative. "

" One thing a comedian does, when you step on the stage, you're selling yourself, and certainly I don't think the whole world can love you. But if you can get the majority on your side, you're really in business. "

" I do situations and make fun of authority and life. "

" I spent two and a half years in the Philippines in World War II. "

" I was a mother's boy. "

Don Rickles

Mother

Boy

" I don't have regrets. I've never sat here and thought, 'Gee, if only I'd done 'The Man Who Came to Dinner' on Broadway, I would have been happier.' "

" I like to think I'm like the guy who goes to the office Christmas party Friday night, insults some people, but still has his job Monday morning. "

" I've been hot, I've been lukewarm, I've been freezing, but I've always been a headliner. "

" I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke. "

" The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now. "

" I don't do impressions. "

Don Rickles

Impressions

" I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny. "

" If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny. "

" I stopped smoking. But my personality I still have. I get up in the morning, and not everybody loves me, so if you want to call that a bad habit, there's that. "

Don Rickles

Personality

Habit

" I say things I get away with, and it becomes a joke. "

" Don't call me 'sir; 'King Jew' will do fine. "

Don Rickles

Will

King

" What keeps me going is that young people still want to see me. "

" Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera. "

" I want to be a dog, but I'm a pussycat. "

Don Rickles

Dog

Want

" I enjoy mixed audiences, not one particular group. Short, tall, scientists, Jews, gentiles, whatever, as long as they breathe and like to laugh. "

" Bob Hope was totally regimented. I go in and say a line like, 'Hi Bob' and I'd have to do it five times, and then Bob would take me to the writers to say the line different ways. He wouldn't let me ad-lib. "

Don Rickles

Hope

" Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is. "