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" Don't call me 'sir; 'King Jew' will do fine. "

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" Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, 'How many more years do I have on this earth?' But I can't really conceive of dying. "

" I want to be a dog, but I'm a pussycat. "

" You got to have a lot of courage. Secondly, whatever it is you're doing, you have to believe in it wholeheartedly. Thirdly, you have to be able to stand up in front of people and know that they'll laugh. "

" We were Orthodox Jews, but we really didn't deserve it. I mean, bacon - my father said, 'Don't put bacon in the house,' but we had bacon. We didn't keep kosher. And we observed which today would be Conservative Jews. But in those days, we belonged to an Orthodox temple. So we made out we were Orthodox Jews, but we really weren't. "

" I can get an audience screaming in Las Vegas and say, 'Barbara, that was a great show,' and she'll say, 'Would you please hurry up? We have dinner reservations at 9:30.' "

" I did a few movies, but the word 'star'... I cannot compare to a star like Clint Eastwood. I used to call Clint 'Larry Dickman' when he would come to my show; then, he started using the name when he would go under cover in a 'Dirty Harry' movie. That's why he's a movie star... he's so creative. "

" I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym. "

" Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper. "

" I ride a recumbent bike for half an hour every day. "

" Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one. "

" My mother was a Jewish General Patton. "

" I shouldn't make fun of the blacks: President Obama is a personal friend of mine. He was over to the house yesterday, but the mop broke. "

" The average person pushes an elevator button 6 or 7 minutes before realizing it's not working. I did a study on this, you know. "

" An insult is mean or unkind. Milton Berle called me the Sultan of Insult, and I was called the King of Insult. But the guy that gave me the best title - and I use it to this day - was Johnny Carson. He called me Mr. Warmth. "

" I never went out looking for glory. "

" I mean, in my - and I'm not trying to do spilled milk, but in those days it was a little - I think it was much tougher, because you got an image, and you were in a saloon. And it was tough to come out of a saloon and to get in films, and to maintain an image, you know. "

" When I walk down the street in New York, I swear to God, the building constructor, the guy pounding cement and what not, will yell, 'Hey, you hockey puck!' "

" Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich. "

" To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it. "

" If something strikes me as funny, I'll put it in my performance. "

" The man I adored, and miss him terribly, was Johnny Carson. "

" I don't practice or write stuff down - everything I do onstage was just made up before I went on. "

" Frank Sinatra. Hey, Frank, I saw you in 'The Pride and Passion,' and I want to tell you the cannon was wonderful! "

" I was nice to the people in the Philippines for the two and a half years I was there, because I knew eventually I'd have to kiss up to them so my grandchildren could have toys. "

" The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now. "

" I've been hot, I've been lukewarm, I've been freezing, but I've always been a headliner. "

" My mother was a big influence. She kept pushing me because I was very shy and inhibited. And schoolwork was very difficult for me because I couldn't concentrate. I was failing almost every subject. To this day, I'm not too good at reading a book. But I was the president of my high school comedy group, and they treated me like a king. "

" I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one. "

" My wife is great. She always goes to the bank to see if the check has cleared. "

" Bob Hope was totally regimented. I go in and say a line like, 'Hi Bob' and I'd have to do it five times, and then Bob would take me to the writers to say the line different ways. He wouldn't let me ad-lib. "