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" The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them. "

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" Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better. "

" I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?' "

" Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face. "

" I just try to get people to laugh - I'm not trying to change the world or anything. "

Change The World

" Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know? "

" I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there. "

" I'm competitive at everything. "

" I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else. "

" TV is easier: it's all planned out for you, and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up, but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over. To me, that's more pure. "

" For 'Power of 10,' you can look at the methodology at CBS.com, it's a company called Rasmussen Reports. We poll thousands and thousands of people for each question, a real cross section of the United States. "

" I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian. "

" Being a celebrity, you always get really good seats to sporting events, but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. "

" There's nothing like the energy in a small comedy club room or a small theater when it's going really well. I can see everybody's face practically in the whole room. There's no cameras in the way, and it's just me. "

" I'd buy joke books and try doing them at school; I always had jokes. That would be my go-to thing at parties: I'd be able to get through them if I just told enough jokes. Otherwise, I wouldn't end up talking to anybody. "

" Nothing's funny about someone who's successful. "

" Exercise is the main thing that helped me lose weight. "

" Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that they're so rich, they feel they don't work that much for all that money - and they don't, for the amount of money they make. "

" I don't have a Bluetooth thing on my ear. That bugs me. "

" I honestly think that it automatically hurts me if I said that I supported the war in Iraq and I support the troops. That automatically kills me for getting a bunch of movies, a bunch of TV shows. People don't want to hear from me. "

" Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with. "

" I was just sick of being fat, you know? You get sick of it. It just really, it's a tiring lifestyle to have. "

" What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously. "

" The easiest diet is, you know, eat vegetables, eat fresh food. Just a really sensible healthy diet like you read about all the time. "

" You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither. "

" Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar. "

" I was in the band when I was a kid, I played the trumpet. "

" I'm down to earth; people sense that and they appreciate it. "

" 'Green Screen' was a total experiment. I'm glad we did it, but it was just tough on that network to get it going. "

" Reality shows always look for the worst people. "

" I moved from Cleveland to L.A. with a girlfriend, we broke up, and I lived out of my car for a year and a half, on the road with nothing on my mind but getting my act good enough to be on 'The Tonight Show.' "