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" As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it. "

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" It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. "

" I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. "

" My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. "

" Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron. "

" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "

" I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. "

" I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. "

" The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. "

" A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' "

" I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me. "

" But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me. "

" I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. "

" I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.' "

" They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that. "

" And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. "

" If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! "

" When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. "

" Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade. "

" I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there. "

" I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' "

" Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. "

" I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' "

" I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. "

" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "

" I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. "

" I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. "

" I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. "

" If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. "

" Let no man's deathbed be a futon. "

" I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' "