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" I'm always excited to try something I haven't done. "

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" I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. "

" Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. "

" I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. "

" I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' "

" Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes. "

" The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. "

" I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' "

" My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. "

" I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. "

" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "

" There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. "

" And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. "

" To me, comedy is a game. "

" I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. "

" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "

" Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. "

" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "

Looking Forward

" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "

" I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. "

" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

" I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. "

" I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. "

" Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. "

" My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' "

" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "

" I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie. "

" People only have so much attention. "

" Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "

" I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' "

" The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. "