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" I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me. "
Demetri Martin
School
Work
College
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" But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. "
Demetri Martin
Long
Story
Doing
" I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. "
Demetri Martin
Kid
Did
Everything
" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "
Demetri Martin
Keep
Like
Songs
" I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up. "
Demetri Martin
Friends
Growing Up
Know
" I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. "
Demetri Martin
Years
Started
Old
" A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "
Demetri Martin
Drunk
He
Persuasive
" There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. "
Demetri Martin
World
Me
Name
" I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there. "
Demetri Martin
I Am
Out
Trying
" I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. "
Demetri Martin
Three
Interesting
First
" I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' "
Demetri Martin
Funny
Finish
Go
" I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' "
Demetri Martin
I Think
Alone
Interesting
" I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. "
Demetri Martin
Girl
Love
Pet
" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "
Demetri Martin
Day
Looking
Looking Forward
" I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out. "
Demetri Martin
People
Me
Think
" It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. "
Demetri Martin
Doing
You
Think
" It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. "
Demetri Martin
Two
Basic
Comedy
" Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. "
Demetri Martin
Holder
Balloon
Breath
" A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. "
Demetri Martin
People
Need
Me
" But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. "
Demetri Martin
Freedom
Found
Because
" Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. "
Demetri Martin
Funny
Stand Up
Think
" I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!' "
Demetri Martin
Someone
Hell
Nice
" I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. "
Demetri Martin
Happy
Birthday
Christmas
" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "
Demetri Martin
Heart
Time
Worst
" I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.' "
Demetri Martin
Someone
You
Kind
" I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' "
Demetri Martin
Money
Cool
You
" Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "
Demetri Martin
Die
Fun
Sometimes
" I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. "
Demetri Martin
Know
You
Love
" Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron. "
Demetri Martin
Printed
Wise
Nothing
" If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. "
Demetri Martin
Start
Calling
Just
" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "
Demetri Martin
Government
College
History