Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" The 'Billionaire' song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It's funny. "

Related Quotes:

" I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. "

" What's funny is I probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world, and I can't wait for someone to call me in a month or something, and say, 'Can you do these for my son's Bar Mitzvah?' "

" The funny thing is, I've never really hurt myself in an action movie. I've done 'Wanted,' 'X-Men,' 'Welcome To The Punch,' even 'Trance' to a certain extent has little bits of action and stuff, but I've never really hurt myself at all - not even like a sprained ankle. "

" Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. "

" I didn't understand key signatures or anything, you know. I'd say silly things at the top of a trumpet part like, 'Note, when you play B naturals, make the B naturals a half step lower because they sound funny if they're B naturals.' And some guy said: 'Idiot, just put a flat on the third line and it's a key signature, you know?' "

" If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. "

" I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits. "

" When I was young, I'd watch guys on 'The Tonight Show', Buddy Hackett, guys like that, where all they'd be is funny. Later, I remember, on 'Late Night with Letterman', I remember he'd have Jay Leno and Richard Lewis as first guests and the entire point was to entertain and be funny, and I think talk shows have kind of lost that. "

" I think when smallpox was eliminated, the whole world got pretty excited about that because it's just such a dramatic success. "

" Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. "

" This social-networking thing takes you to crazy places. "

" All I've wanted to be is someone people look up to. It's funny - everyone says I'm controversial. I've never worked out what it is about me that's controversial. I've never had a DUI; I've never been in a brawl; you've never seen photos of me walking out of clubs at 5 A.M. "

" Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. "

" Nobody believes in completely unadulterated capitalism. "

" I really love showing up at work at 10 A.M., trying to make it funny until 3 P.M., and then going home. It's like comedy bankers' hours. "

" So to me, Texas Hold 'em puts me to sleep. At least when you play stud, you can be funny as you deal. Somebody some day is going to come up with a Stud show that's going to work. "

" I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. "

" Considering their impact, you might expect mosquitoes to get more attention than they do. Sharks kill fewer than a dozen people every year, and in the U.S. they get a week dedicated to them on TV every year. "

" I think any statement about stock prices is always suspect unless it's made by Warren Buffett. "

" Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. "

" I have really fond memories of growing up in Chicago, and I always love going back. I still have a lot of really good friends from high school that I go to dinner with. It's kind of become a tradition when I go out there to do a show to give a few friends a call, tell some funny stories about high school and walk down memory lane. "

" I'm not saying that I'm on some crusade to change people's minds. I'm just doing what I do. I'm a comedian, I'm trying to be funny... I think when they see a comedy show with an Iranian and an Egyptian and two Palestinians, I think they go, 'Oh wow, these guys are just like us.' "

" The malaria parasite has been killing children and sapping the strength of whole populations for tens of thousands of years. It is impossible to calculate the harm malaria has done to the world. "

" Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything! "

" Africa is on the rise. "

" Americans want students to get the best education possible. We want schools to prepare children to become good citizens and members of a prosperous American economy. "

" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "

" Now, we put out a lot of carbon dioxide every year, over 26 billion tons. For each American, it's about 20 tons. For people in poor countries, it's less than one ton. It's an average of about five tons for everyone on the planet. And, somehow, we have to make changes that will bring that down to zero. "

" Two out of every five people on Earth today owe their lives to the higher crop outputs that fertilizer has made possible. "

" It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean. "