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" Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. "

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" My life needs editing. "

" I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. "

" I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny. "

" I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits. "

" They did that little thing on South Park, and they mentioned my name and had a character of me judging a Halloween contest. It was really funny. That made me the coolest aunt on earth. "

" It used to be that you had to make female TV characters perfect so no one would be offended by your 'portrayal' of women. Even when I started out on 'The Office' eight years ago, we could write our male characters funny and flawed, but not the women. And now, thankfully, it's completely different. "

" If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? "

Laurence J. Peter

" There's something very authentic about humor, when you think about it. Anybody can pretend to be serious. But you can't pretend to be funny. "

" A rich man's joke is always funny. "

Thomas Edward Brown

" I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. "

" I don't have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place. "

" You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people. "

" To curb the machine and limit art to handicraft is a denial of opportunity. "

" Lana Turner was adorable and funny. Jimmy Stewart was such a nice person. I quickly realized that if you're not a nice person, you're not going to last in this business. I mean, once your box office starts to drop off, like Veronica Lake, they'll get rid of you fast. "

" When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. "

" When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. "

" After all is said and done, sit down. "

" I have really fond memories of growing up in Chicago, and I always love going back. I still have a lot of really good friends from high school that I go to dinner with. It's kind of become a tradition when I go out there to do a show to give a few friends a call, tell some funny stories about high school and walk down memory lane. "

" I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. "

" If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny. "

" Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist. "

Sarah Silverman

" It's funny what a few no-hitters do for a body. "

" What's another word for Thesaurus? "

" Every girls' night needs a funny movie and a good conversation about guys! My friends and I also love picking outfits out for each other to try on at slumber parties. It's so fun. "

Jennette McCurdy

" I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women. "

" There's one thing about baldness, it's neat. "

" We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again. "

" When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again. "

Esther Williams

" I'm crazy, funny, and good looking! "