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" I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. "

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" I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. "

" That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. "

" The funny thing is that my husband couldn't be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He's got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but when you talk to him and he's around you, he's such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans. "

" I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "

" I'm a Twitter addict. Jose Andres is a serial tweeter. It's funny to see which chefs have embraced it, and the different paths they take. "

Anthony Bourdain

" Cure for an obsession: get another one. "

" I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "

" It is funny to me that because I can run, because I'm athletic, people tend to see that as my only asset. "

Colin Kaepernick

" I wanted to be that quirky girl who writes funny songs that still have meaning. "

" Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown. "

" You're only as good as your last haircut. "

" After all is said and done, sit down. "

" It sounds funny, but I always try to keep an open mind about what I'm writing about. Sometimes I squeak my opinions in there, but generally I don't. I try to be objective about things that I'm writing about. "

John Mellencamp

" The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time. "

" My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. "

Angie Dickinson

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" If you're public speaking, imagine yourself feeling confident; if you're nervous about a date and thinking, 'I'm gonna be a dork,' picture yourself being funny. Then it will be familiar to your brain. "

Lindsey Stirling

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

" There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. "

" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "

" The inspiration for my Vines comes from thinking about funny and relatable experiences from my daily life. "

" I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it. "

" A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. "

Ernest Hemingway

" Funny thing is that the poorer people are, the more generous they seem to be. "

" Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. "

" If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. "

" My mother was a nurse, and in her era, most diseases weren't understood; people put mustard plasters on knees and rubbed camphor on your chest if you had a cough and did funny things to you if you had tuberculosis - all these things that really made very little difference once proper treatments were brought in. "

" They did that little thing on South Park, and they mentioned my name and had a character of me judging a Halloween contest. It was really funny. That made me the coolest aunt on earth. "

" The funny thing is, all my friends are short. I wasn't aware of tall people till I got to high school. I didn't know they existed. I was sheltered. "

" You know, what's funny to one person is not at all to someone else. "