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" The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all. "

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" The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. "

" It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. "

" The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become. "

" What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin. "

" She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot. "

" The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. "

" When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. "

" Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one. "

" Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. "

" Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. "

" How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before. "

" No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. "

" Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. "

" George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie. "

" Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. "

" God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. "

" Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. "

" I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. "

" The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. "

" Necessity is the mother of taking chances. "

" Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work. "

" Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. "

" Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation. "

" The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. "

" Prosperity is the best protector of principle. "

" Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand. "

" Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed. "

" I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.' "

" The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. "