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" Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap. "

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" Now when I'm not working, I don't really hang out with the young comics. "

" When I was a younger guy doing comedy, it was a big struggle. Promoters canceled me out of clubs left and right when I called somebody a dummy or a yo-yo. Then they realized I was different. "

" The man I adored, and miss him terribly, was Johnny Carson. "

" Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that. "

" I spent two and a half years in the Philippines in World War II. "

" The highlight of my career was being at the inaugural gala of Ronald Reagan, and I owe that to Mr. Sinatra. "

" Everything I've performed has been from my own head. "

" I ride a recumbent bike for half an hour every day. "

" I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it. "

" I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book. "

" Johnny Carson was king of the kings, in my opinion. "

" I have to have energy because I have a lot of expenses. A couple of cars, couple of dogs and a big estate. "

" When I walk down the street in New York, I swear to God, the building constructor, the guy pounding cement and what not, will yell, 'Hey, you hockey puck!' "

" When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket. "

" I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies. "

" Half the battle is that people have to like you before you say one joke, one bit of humor. "

" I don't walk into a dinner party and say, 'You're an idiot; give me my coat.' "

" I write my own tweets. "

" Frank Sinatra. Hey, Frank, I saw you in 'The Pride and Passion,' and I want to tell you the cannon was wonderful! "

" Bob Hope was totally regimented. I go in and say a line like, 'Hi Bob' and I'd have to do it five times, and then Bob would take me to the writers to say the line different ways. He wouldn't let me ad-lib. "

" Las Vegas is the boiling pot of entertainment. "

" In the 45 years I've worked in casinos, I dreamed of being honored by an organization like the American Gaming Association, especially since I don't even have a hunting license. "

" I never went out looking for glory. "

" To me, the stand up part in my life is great. I know I can do that. When I get an acting chance, I'm really thrilled. "

" I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid. "

" Sometimes, I knew generally what I was going to do, but I've never written anything down. Call it a sixth sense: the lines just come. "

" I'd like to think my performance is today. I never try to - it's so, as you know, watching me, I have a beginning, middle and ending. But every night the show changes and I relate to an audience and I relate to the young people. "

" I didn't get married until I was 38. "

" To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it. "

" Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God. "