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" Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. "

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" No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. "

" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

" Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. "

" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "

" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "

" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "

" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "

" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

Raising Children

" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "

" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "

" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "

" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "

" A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. "

" My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? "

" Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. "

" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" Children make your life important. "

" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "

" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

" Never have more children than you have car windows. "

" Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "