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All Quotes by author - Erma Bombeck
" A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "
You
Because
Diet
" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "
Husband
Wife
Birthday
" A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. "
You
Friend
Tell
" A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. "
She
Know
You
" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "
Children
White
Test
" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "
Up
Try
Keep
" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "
Home
Hurt
Work
" Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. "
Just
Up
Going
" Children make your life important. "
Make
Children
Important
" Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? "
Carousel
Luggage
Never
" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "
Fame
Confuse
Success
" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "
Wrong
Mom
Know
" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "
Dreams
Dreamers
Why
" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "
Easy
Some
Than
" For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. "
Time
Home
Job
" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "
Medical
Hospital
Club
" God created man, but I could do better. "
Could
Created
God
" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "
Keeps
Gift
Giving
" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "
Go
Bad
Leave
" Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "
You
Right
Will
" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "
Week
Anything
Go
" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "
Start
Suicide
Seriously
" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "
Gravy
Where
Food
" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "
Man
Three
Watches
" If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "
You
Laugh
Make
" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "
Courage
Me
Up
" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "
Human Mind
Facts
Human
" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "
My Life
Lunch
Life
" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "
Clothes
Society
Copy
" In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. "
Anything
Children
Eat
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