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" A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. "

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" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "

" Never have more children than you have car windows. "

" Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. "

" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "

" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "

" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. "

" Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? "

" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "

" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "

" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "

" It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. "

" My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? "

" There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. "

" A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "

" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "

" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "

" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "

" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "

" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "

" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "

" If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "