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" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "

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" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "

" Never have more children than you have car windows. "

" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. "

" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

Raising Children

" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "

" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "

" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "

" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "

" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "

" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

" Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? "

" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" God created man, but I could do better. "

" There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. "

" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "

" For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. "

" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "

" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "

" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "

" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "

" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "

" Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "