Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "

Related Quotes:

" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "

" A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "

" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "

" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "

" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "

" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "

" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "

" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "

" Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. "

" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "

" In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. "

" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "

" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

Raising Children

" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "

" My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? "

" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "

" There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "

" A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "

" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

" One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "