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" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

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" There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. "

" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "

" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "

" Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. "

" It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. "

" Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "

" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "

" Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "

" Never have more children than you have car windows. "

" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "

" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "

" One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "

" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "

" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "

" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "

" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "

" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "

" Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. "

" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "

" People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. "