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" Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "

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" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

" In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. "

" It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. "

" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "

" God created man, but I could do better. "

" Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. "

" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "

" Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. "

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "

" Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. "

" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "

" Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. "

" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "

" Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "

" Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. "

" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "

" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "

" There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. "

" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "

" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "

" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "

" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "

" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

" A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. "

" Children make your life important. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "