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" Children make your life important. "

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" Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. "

" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "

" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "

" Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. "

" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "

" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "

" Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "

" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "

" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "

" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "

" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "

" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "

" Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? "

" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "

" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "

" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "

" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "

" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "

" Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. "

" For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. "

" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

Raising Children