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" No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. "

Erma Bombeck

Sick

Bed

Children

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" God created man, but I could do better. "

" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "

Erma Bombeck

Week

Anything

" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "

" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "

" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "

" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "

Erma Bombeck

Bad

Leave

" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "

Erma Bombeck

Say

Our

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. "

" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "

" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "

" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "

" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "

" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "

" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "

Erma Bombeck

Food

Politics

" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "

" In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. "

" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "

" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "

Erma Bombeck

Try

Keep

" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "

" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "

" Children make your life important. "

" Never have more children than you have car windows. "

" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "