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" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "
Erma Bombeck
Clothes
Society
Copy
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" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "
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" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "
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" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "
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" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "
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" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "
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" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "
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" In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. "
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" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "
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" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "
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" If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "
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" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "
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" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "
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" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "
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" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "
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" Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. "
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" My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? "
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" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "
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" Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "
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" There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. "
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" A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "
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" One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "
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" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "
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" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "
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" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "
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" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "
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" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "
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" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "
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" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "
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" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "
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" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "
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