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" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "

Erma Bombeck

My Life

Lunch

Life

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" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. "

Erma Bombeck

Just

Going

" One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "

" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "

" In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. "

" It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. "

" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "

" A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. "

" People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. "

" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "

" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "

Erma Bombeck

Try

Keep

" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "

" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "

" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "

" Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. "

" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "

" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "

Erma Bombeck

Food

Politics

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "

" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "

" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "

" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "

" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "

Erma Bombeck

Courage

" Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "

" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "

" Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. "