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" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "

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" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "

" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. "

" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "

" Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. "

" If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "

" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "

" Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. "

" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "

" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

Raising Children

" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "

" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "

" In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. "

" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "

" God created man, but I could do better. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "

" It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. "

" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. "

" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "

" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "

" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. "

" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "