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" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "
Lewis Black
Constantly
Having
Stroke
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" For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think. "
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" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "
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" I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been. "
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Guy
" It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! "
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" I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. "
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Person
Angry
" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "
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Daily
Think
Golf
" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "
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Get
Broke
Had
" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "
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Joke
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" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "
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Teacher
Mother
Parents
" No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life. "
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Thought
Mother
Life
" People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. "
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Single
Enjoy
Better
" In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks. "
Lewis Black
Vegas
Play
Country
" What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.' "
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Family
Go
Know
" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "
Lewis Black
Funny
Candy
Corn
" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. "
Lewis Black
Believe
Gone
Voting
" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "
Lewis Black
American
Bipartisan
Public
" If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. "
Lewis Black
Rich
Tax
Going
" Self-love is a big part of golf. "
Lewis Black
Golf
Big
Part
" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "
Lewis Black
Online
No Time
Always
" When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are. "
Lewis Black
Think
Wrong
You
" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "
Lewis Black
You
Democrats
Dumb
" Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app! "
Lewis Black
Thought
Brain
You
" Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. "
Lewis Black
Me
Obvious
Stupid
" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "
Lewis Black
Quarter
Property
Father
" And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. "
Lewis Black
Economics
You
Morning
" Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. "
Lewis Black
Back
Big
Like
" I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. "
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People
Believe
Start
" One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it. "
Lewis Black
Important
Leaving
Realize
" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "
Lewis Black
Art
Many
Go
" The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? "
Lewis Black
Health
Fear
Belief