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" Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app! "

Lewis Black

Thought

Brain

You

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" I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. "

" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "

" I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. "

" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "

Lewis Black

Art

Many

" You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo. "

" No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life. "

" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "

" The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself. "

" What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.' "

Lewis Black

Family

Know

" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "

" It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff. "

" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "

Lewis Black

Interview

Pressure

" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "

" Everybody's got cable. "

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "

" You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. "

Lewis Black

I Am

Got

" Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. "

" Political audiences are not fun. "

" Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. "

" Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis. "

" I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated. "

Lewis Black

Get

Some

" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "

Lewis Black

Hate

Woman

" I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. "

" I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape. "

" One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it. "

" What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group. "

" This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. "

" I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. "

" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "