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" Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. "

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" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "

" I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated. "

" Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff. "

" You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. "

" I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. "

" When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. "

" Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis. "

" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "

" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "

" When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are. "

" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "

" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "

" Political audiences are not fun. "

" Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. "

" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "

" I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people. "

" Everybody's family has different values. "

" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "

" I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. "

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

" The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. "

" I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. "

" I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked. "

" I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism. "

" It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.' "

" Parenting isn't just parenting your own child. "

" Self-love is a big part of golf. "

" You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. "

" Everybody's got cable. "

" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "