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All Quotes by author - Pat Paulsen

" Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it. "

" A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose? "

" All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. "

" As I've always said: The future lies ahead. "

" Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. "

" Deep down, I happen to be very shallow. "

" Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' "

" I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man. "

" I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird. "

" I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show. "

" I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off. "

" I don't need adult supervision. "

" If elected, I will win. "

" If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun. "

" I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing. "

" In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president. "

" I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.' "

" I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me. "

" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "

" I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it? "

" It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies. "

" I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar. "

" I've upped my standards. Now, up yours. "

" I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good. "

" I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat. "

" Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.' "

" Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar. "

" Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon. "

" People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?' "

" Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up. "

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