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" People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?' "

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" We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass. "

" Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar. "

" Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. "

" If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun. "

" I don't need adult supervision. "

" We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman. "

" All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. "

" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "

" In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president. "

" You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check. "

" I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat. "

" I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man. "

" You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years! "

" I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good. "

" I've upped my standards. Now, up yours. "

" The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down. "

" Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk. "

" A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose? "

" The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees. "

" I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me. "

" The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that. "

" Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon. "

" I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing. "

" If elected, I will win. "

" Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up. "

" I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it? "

" I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird. "

" Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it. "

" I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.' "

" We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go. "