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" A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose? "

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" All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. "

" The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that. "

" Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.' "

" Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' "

" People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?' "

" If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun. "

" Deep down, I happen to be very shallow. "

" You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years! "

" So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye. "

" You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check. "

" We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman. "

" In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president. "

" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "

" As I've always said: The future lies ahead. "

" I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it? "

" Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home? "

" I don't need adult supervision. "

" I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man. "

" I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar. "

" Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon. "

" Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.' "

" I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me. "

" The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees. "

" The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot. "

" The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down. "

" Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk. "

" If elected, I will win. "

" Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it. "

" I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.' "

" It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies. "