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" Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up. "

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" I've upped my standards. Now, up yours. "

" If elected, I will win. "

" If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun. "

" I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off. "

" Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home? "

" We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go. "

" People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?' "

" I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me. "

" I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar. "

" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "

" Deep down, I happen to be very shallow. "

" I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat. "

" I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.' "

" Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk. "

" As I've always said: The future lies ahead. "

" Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.' "

" I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good. "

" I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird. "

" The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees. "

" The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot. "

" I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it? "

" We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass. "

" I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show. "

" Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' "

" The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that. "

" The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down. "

" All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. "

" Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.' "

" Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. "

" Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it. "