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" I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.' "

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" If elected, I will win. "

" The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that. "

" You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years! "

" I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off. "

" Deep down, I happen to be very shallow. "

" Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.' "

" In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president. "

" If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun. "

" I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar. "

" The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down. "

" Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk. "

" Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not? "

" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "

" Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon. "

" I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show. "

" I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird. "

" We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman. "

" A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose? "

" Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it. "

" As I've always said: The future lies ahead. "

" Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home? "

" We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass. "

" It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies. "

" I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it? "

" All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. "

" I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man. "

" I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me. "

" I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing. "

" Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. "

" You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check. "