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" If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun. "

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" You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check. "

" Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home? "

" Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it. "

" I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it? "

" Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk. "

" I've upped my standards. Now, up yours. "

" The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down. "

" I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me. "

" I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off. "

" I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing. "

" Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up. "

" We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman. "

" Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon. "

" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "

" I don't need adult supervision. "

" Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.' "

" If elected, I will win. "

" Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar. "

" A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose? "

" As I've always said: The future lies ahead. "

" The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees. "

" People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?' "

" Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' "

" You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years! "

" I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat. "

" Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.' "

" It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies. "

" I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good. "

" The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that. "

" I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird. "