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" I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it? "
Pat Paulsen
Job
Good
Good Job
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" Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' "
Pat Paulsen
World
Will
White
" Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up. "
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Mess
Know
Everything
" People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?' "
Pat Paulsen
You
Change
Say
" In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president. "
Pat Paulsen
Never
America
Boy
" Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk. "
Pat Paulsen
Run
Running
Walk
" So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye. "
Pat Paulsen
Got
Than
More
" I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me. "
Pat Paulsen
Alive
Find
Me
" The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down. "
Pat Paulsen
Last
My Life
Ride
" Deep down, I happen to be very shallow. "
Pat Paulsen
Down
Very
Shallow
" A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose? "
Pat Paulsen
You
Street
Down
" All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. "
Pat Paulsen
Today
Problems
Policy
" Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not? "
Pat Paulsen
Why Not
Will
Why
" We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass. "
Pat Paulsen
Must
Go
Will
" I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar. "
Pat Paulsen
Wine
Campaign
Been
" As I've always said: The future lies ahead. "
Pat Paulsen
Said
Lies
Future
" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "
Pat Paulsen
Make
Plan
Pretty
" Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home? "
Pat Paulsen
Care
Right
Military
" I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird. "
Pat Paulsen
I Am
Right Wing
Right
" I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing. "
Pat Paulsen
Eyes
Wine
Watch
" I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat. "
Pat Paulsen
Republican
Run
World
" The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees. "
Pat Paulsen
Fires
Cause
Trees
" I've upped my standards. Now, up yours. "
Pat Paulsen
Up
Now
Standards
" I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show. "
Pat Paulsen
Enough
Me
Money
" It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies. "
Pat Paulsen
Kissing
Hands
Tough
" We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go. "
Pat Paulsen
Way
Beautiful
Late
" Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar. "
Pat Paulsen
Down
People
Sugar
" I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.' "
Pat Paulsen
Money
My Life
Rest
" I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off. "
Pat Paulsen
Good
Wine
You
" I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man. "
Pat Paulsen
Song
Stand
Man
" You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check. "
Pat Paulsen
Understand
You
Credit