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" I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off. "

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" Deep down, I happen to be very shallow. "

" Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not? "

" It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies. "

" I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar. "

" Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home? "

" If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun. "

" Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up. "

" The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees. "

" I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man. "

" We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman. "

" If elected, I will win. "

" I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing. "

" Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.' "

" You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check. "

" I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.' "

" Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it. "

" Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk. "

" Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon. "

" Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar. "

" I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show. "

" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "

" We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go. "

" The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot. "

" Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' "

" I don't need adult supervision. "

" You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years! "

" I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat. "

" The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down. "

" I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird. "

" So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye. "