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" I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat. "

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" I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show. "

" You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years! "

" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "

" I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good. "

" We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman. "

" A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose? "

" The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees. "

" The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that. "

" Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not? "

" I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it? "

" Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.' "

" I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar. "

" The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down. "

" I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.' "

" I've upped my standards. Now, up yours. "

" Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk. "

" Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.' "

" Deep down, I happen to be very shallow. "

" Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it. "

" If elected, I will win. "

" Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up. "

" Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon. "

" Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar. "

" Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. "

" Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' "

" If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun. "

" So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye. "

" I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird. "

" We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass. "

" I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off. "