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" In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president. "

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" Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk. "

" It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies. "

" Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not? "

" Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar. "

" We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go. "

" Deep down, I happen to be very shallow. "

" The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot. "

" Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home? "

" I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar. "

" So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye. "

" The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that. "

" If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun. "

" I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me. "

" You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check. "

" I don't need adult supervision. "

" If elected, I will win. "

" Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' "

" We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman. "

" I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good. "

" Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.' "

" I've upped my standards. Now, up yours. "

" I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird. "

" The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees. "

" I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man. "

" I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it? "

" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "

" I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing. "

" Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon. "

" I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show. "

" I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat. "