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" If elected, I will win. "

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" I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me. "

" I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar. "

" It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies. "

" Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home? "

" The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees. "

" We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman. "

" Deep down, I happen to be very shallow. "

" Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' "

" A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose? "

" Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.' "

" Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. "

" I don't need adult supervision. "

" I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat. "

" I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good. "

" We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go. "

" I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing. "

" Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon. "

" In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president. "

" Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up. "

" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "

" Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not? "

" People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?' "

" I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it? "

" The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that. "

" I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show. "

" If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun. "

" I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.' "

" We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass. "

" Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it. "

" So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye. "