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" It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies. "

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" The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot. "

" I've upped my standards. Now, up yours. "

" Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. "

" You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check. "

" Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.' "

" Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon. "

" Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.' "

" People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?' "

" I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it? "

" Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home? "

" Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it. "

" I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me. "

" The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees. "

" I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man. "

" I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing. "

" If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun. "

" We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass. "

" I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show. "

" Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up. "

" Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' "

" Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not? "

" You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years! "

" I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat. "

" Deep down, I happen to be very shallow. "

" I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar. "

" I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good. "

" We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman. "

" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "

" I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.' "

" A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose? "