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" Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans. "

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" Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators. "

" All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance. "

" It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts. "

" Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. "

" If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics. "

" The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf. "

" Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated. "

" I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. "

" In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing. "

" People's minds are changed through observation and not through argument. "

" Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do. "

" There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. "

" The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living. "

" Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. "

" An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh. "

" The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing. "

" This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. "

" Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth. "

" Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far. "

" If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing. "

" The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you. "

" Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate? "

" It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. "

" What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds. "

" I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. "

" Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even. "

" You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way. "

" Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. "

" I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. "

" America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there. "