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" All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance. "

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" If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing. "

" When should a college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an amateur. "

" What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds. "

" The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. "

" The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats. "

" The schools ain't what they used to be and never was. "

" Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth. "

" Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far. "

" Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. "

" Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. "

" The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn't still be a farmer. "

" We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by. "

" Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week. "

" If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? "

" I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. "

" The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it. "

" I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. "

" People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing. "

" The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf. "

" There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail. "

" It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. "

" Never let yesterday use up too much of today. "

" I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. "

" About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation. "

" I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him 'father.' "

" This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. "

" Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do. "

" If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. "

" An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh. "

" A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. "