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" Did I end up finding a little blue pill to cure America's electoral dysfunction? Unfortunately, it's not that simple. "

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" I think that Obama is very cool. And I think he's clever, and I think he can be witty. But I don't think he's funny in either the way that Reagan was funny - or John McCain and Dick Cheney are both funny in that ruthless, kind of mean way. "

" Digital television, satellite radio, videogames, iPods - so much media. Do books even matter anymore? "

" I'm always working on a few different stories at once, so there's always some really big coffee table book I'm carrying around. "

" I still don't know how to cook and that's just unacceptable. "

" Homemade sweaters are always itchy. "

" I was not a jock in high school. I know, you're shocked. "

" If I had a time machine I would go back 30 years and show up at my grandmother's apartment before the gargantuan meals she would serve and I would help her. "

" Something that came as a shock to me is that we do not have a constitutional right to vote. And that's not just a fun little historical factoid. It actually has huge ramifications. It's the reason our system is so decentralized - in other words, chaotic. "

" I bruise like a grape. "

" I'm in fact a hair under six feet, but I'm very svelte. People would never see me if I turned sideways. "

" I love Christmas. Frosty the Snowman, peace on Earth and mangers, Salvation Army bell ringers and reindeer, the movie 'Meet Me in St. Louis,' office parties and cookies. "

" I know a lot about a few things - mostly useless things. "

" No, no, no separate but equal... never the twain shall meet. And the pendulum kept swinging and it came to rest in the bastard hybrid known as the Daily Show. "

" It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict. "

" Christmas is a stocking stuffed with sugary goodness. "

" Honestly we never lied to people about who we were. Usually the wackier interviews came to pass because the interview subjects, aware that we were Comedy Central, just wanted to get their stories out. "

" A young imagination is bold, likes to make bigger leaps. It likes to, well, imagine that the dustbuster is a dinosaur; that the computer mouse is a hotrod; that the box is a cave; that the rawhide is a torch... or a baton... or something. "

" I don't think everyone should vote. If you have to be dragged into the polls, carried into the polls and smelling salts have to be used, you probably shouldn't be voting. However, we shouldn't be putting up barriers to voting that target certain groups. "

" I can't be everything to everyone. Send me your specs. "

" I was way too hyperactive to study for long. I would freak out, then crash, then be too tired to read or write. I really should have had less sugar. "

" I hate homemade sweaters. "

" I am a kamikaze gadfly. "

" It's one of my favorite things to do, watch TV and stretch. I'm so flexible. I can put my legs behind my head. I want to be the most flexible person in the world. "

" I have a Keurig coffee maker, which is really kind of a luxury. It was given to me by an ex. I realized when I'm feeling sentimental, I'll gently, tenderly press the button. Then when I remember he dumped me, I punch it. "

" The most important thing is to write material that YOU think is funny. If you don't think it's funny, but you're convinced that other people will think it is, well they won't. "

" I'd rather call myself a mischief-maker, an imp, rather than a satirist. Satirist sounds so self important. Plus no one is calling himself an imp right now. It makes me feel special. "

" I mean, you're gonna be left behind if you don't appreciate the genius that is Meredith Vieira. "

" I love the excess of Christmas. The shopping season that begins in September, the bad pop star recordings of Christmas carols, the decorations that don't know when to come down. "

" My sophomore year I spent exactly one day on the JV football team. It was the tryout day. "

" I wish I had played team sports. I think every kid should. Teamwork builds character - teaches people about leadership and cooperation. "